Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Five Real Reasons Spider-Man 4 Won't Happen...

5. Spidey Didn't Have Any Decent Villains Left
Spider-Man has a pretty extensive rogue's gallery, but the first three movies exhausted most of the top tier (Green Goblin, Dr. Octopus, Venom, Sandman). I admit, the Lizard (AKA Dr. Curt Connors, played by Dylan Baker in 2 and 3) would be cool to see, but who else is left? The Vulture (an old guy who can fly)? Mysterio (ex-stuntman with a globe for a head)? Carnage (annoying Venom ripoff)? Shit, just use Morbius the Living Vampire and snag those sweet Twilight fan dollars.

4. No More Decent Roles for Stan Lee
After playing "Man in Fair," "Man Dodging Debris," and "Man in Times Square," they've obviously exhausted The Man's acting capabilities.

3. The Simmering Adultery Scandal
In news that mirrors the recent developme
nt in Tiger Woods' life, Peter Parker has been romantically linked not only to Gwen Stacy, but also Betty Brant, Felicia "Black Cat" Hardy, Jessica "Spider Woman" Drew, Jean Grey, and Angelina Jolie.

2. Kirsten Dunst's Teeth Reaching Point of No Return
The actor who plays Mary Jane has always been defiant about her uneven toofuses, but executives at Sony have access to highly advanced computer software that make it apparent future movies with Dunst as the romantic lead would be near impossible:

1. Cinematic Perfection Has Already Been Achieved
Let's face it, Sam Raimi may have the Evil Dead movies under his belt already, but he'll never again reach the directorial heights he scaled with Emo Peter Parker.


  1. Well, I don't really have anything against Kirsten Dunst's teeth. It's that feature of hers that sets her apart from all the other people in Hollywood, and that's something that should be upheld especially in this day and age. She has already top-billed several movies, and it's safe to say that her career so far is a success, so her teeth are not really an issue here.


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